Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
