she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
