Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
