Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize