Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
As shirtless as possible
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
