I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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