His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
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