Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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