I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
