You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
