you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
