When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
