Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
