GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
