This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
