I hope my margaritas pass through security.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
All the doctor said was why
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
