Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
