nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
