I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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