Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize