You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
