life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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