I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
