no, he came in my armpit
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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