Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
