ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
