Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
