Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
