I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
