I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
And my parents said I crawled through the house
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
