official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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