her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
