ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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