Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
