You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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