so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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