his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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