Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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