My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
