Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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