He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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