my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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