Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
