i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
