lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
