i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
