and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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