ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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