I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
