And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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