her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
