It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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