Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
