Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize