Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
