how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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