now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
