my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
