your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize