Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
