I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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