i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
