it was like eating out sand paper
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
