I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
