you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
