Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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